2008-03-12 - 4:42 p.m.
Weekly Digest, of sorts. We'll see how this works.

So, here's the deal. I have a locked Word document on my computer that I've been typing in pretty much daily since I've not had d-land access. It's a pretty good deal, though, I've found that I don't want to put up everything I've written. So here's a bit of what I've been bitching about this week (in reverse order!):

3/12/08 (again)

Okay, I don’t want to do my thesis. There’s something about it and I just don’t want to do it. I’m too stressed as it is and I just can’t find the time or energy to get this stupid, stupid thing done.

I hate my topic. I HATE it. I don’t want to do it, because I’m never going to get it done to the standards that I want it to be done to. It’s not going to be perfect so I don’t want to do it!

I tried talking to mom and dad about this. Despite a recent lecture they gave me about not having to be perfect, they hardly listened to me. “Oh, you’ll get it done.” “Don’t stumble at the finish line.” “Don’t waste all your hard work.” “You’re so smart, you’ll do it.”

Um, no. Maybe the reason I’m a perfectionist stress case is because they never stop pushing! It’s never good enough. I’m never good enough. Graduating in the top 3% of my class with a 3.97 GPA is not good enough. It’s just like in high school. A 28 on the ACT wasn’t good enough, a 29 on the ACT wasn’t good enough, a 30 was passable, a fucking full ride 4 year academic scholarship wasn’t good enough.

And the worst part is, if I don’t get it done (I don’t want to do it!), I will feel awful and ashamed when I graduate. Ashamed! Of graduating summa cum lade. Because I’m not graduating magna cum lade or graduating from the honors program. That’s all my thesis does! It allows me to graduate from the program that wrecked my GPA (I would have had a 4.0 if I didn’t take two of those honors courses). Graduating summa cum lade has NOTHING TO DO WITH MY THESIS. And I don’t want to do it! Nobody can make me!

3/12/08

I wish I knew what my deal was. I am so tired lately. Just bone, dog, dead tired. I accidentally fell asleep on the couch last night at like 8:30. Then I woke up at 6 this morning, drank a cup of coffee and am still exhausted. You know that feeling that you have when you first get out of bed? I have that feeling all day. It’s ridiculous.

The best part is that I look bone, dog, dead tired. I’m pale, I’m zitty, my eyes are bloodshot, puffy and surrounded by heavy, black circles. It’s crazy, because I’m still getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night.

I don’t have time to workout any more and I think that might be part of the problem. Working out gives you energy. I’ve still lost weight, though. My legs have lost almost all definition. My calves are like twigs. It’s sick. What kind of woman loses weight from her legs?

It must just be the stress. I doubt there’s anything wrong me with other than just stress and not eating well. I’m looking for summer jobs (even if I get the day camp job, I’ll still have to have a weekend job to supplement my income. $7 an hour 40 hours a week won’t cut it), looking for real jobs (UGH), looking for apartments (Promiss was supposed to live with me and Libbs, but she backed out literally five minutes before we went to look at 3 different 3-bedroom apartments. Uh, thanks, bitch. Now we have to start over, looking for 2 bedrooms), trying to stay on top of student teaching, not doing my thesis and freaking out because I’m not doing it, getting work done for my college classes, rehearsing for that stupid play, playing piano accompaniment for singers practicing for a wedding, blah, blah, blah. I’m busy, I’m whining, I have a headache.

3/11/08

Bowling yesterday actually wasn’t so terrible. I was so stressed and tired by the time I got home, though, that I ate a huge chocolate cookie and then took a nap.

When I woke up from said nap, I leapt right back into Stressville, taking my laptop down to the kitchen to vent and stress and research districts while J made a late dinner (which was delicious. I really need to learn how to cook). I’ve narrowed my job search down to 7 school districts – 6 in Colorado and 1 in Nebraska. The whole thing has got me majorly freaked. I’m terrified of moving to CO. But if I don’t do it now, I know I never will. And I don’t want to be one of those people who stays in one place their entire life.

That’s not to say, of course, that if I’m offered a job by the NE district I’m looking at, or even Collegetown’s public schools, that I wouldn’t stay. I probably would. The NE district I want is practically ideal, despite the fact that I know not a soul in that little town.

CO, though, is what I’ve been claiming I want for the past four years. I can’t chicken out now, just because I’m flipping my shit about moving. UGH.

I hate this. I just want a job NOW. Somebody decide for me, send in all the apps for me and then move me to wherever my new job is.

3/10/08

Today we are going bowling with the entire 8th grade. Most of the teachers are regarding this as apocalypse of sorts. We shall see.

This weekend was actually pretty fun. I felt really busy. Friday I had a failed interview (they failed, not me), a date (which did not go well. I was bored and Chomper hasn’t called since. Score!) and then I watched a movie with Libby. All in all, a decent day. Saturday, I got up, worked out, did laundry, watched a movie, went to pick up my brother for lunch, got stood up by my brother, ate lunch alone, went to play rehearsal (where I was the only actor with their lines memorized. For shame!), went back home, helped Butterscotch baby-sit a 4 year old, ate dinner, attempted to take a bath (the water went cold about 6 inches in, so I got back out), got all gussied up, and went to the $5 Wedding social.

That was actually very fun. I had my doubts as I was sitting on the school bus, surrounded by idiotic frat boys who alternated between chanting “Semen! Semen!” and yelling offensive homophobic and Anti-Semitic comments at each other. I decided then and there that I was way too sober for this shit. As soon as we got there, I ordered a rum and coke, drank it quickly and began to feel a little more comfortable.

After 2 drinks, I was just the right amount of buzzed to deal with all that ridiculous shit. I danced with the girls for a while, then a guy just sort of attached himself to me. We ended up “dancing” for the rest of the night. He was awfully handsy, but once I guided him away from my panty line several times, he got the hint. I was a little handsy myself, to be totally honest. I was just drunk enough to run my hands over every muscle in his back, arms, chest and, let’s be honest, ass, but not drunk enough to ask the question “So, do you work out?”. I just kept laughing at how incongruous my outfit was with my behavior. I was wearing this awful teal/magenta high collared grandma dress.

Frat Boy and I were the last on the dance floor and then stood comfortably with our arms around each other waiting for the bus later. We cuddled and tickled each other on the ride back and then hugged good-bye, most likely not to see each other again. It was fun. The perfect interaction for me. No strings, no guilt (it’s not like I made out with him).

Sunday, I went to church, ate brunch with Diesel, Libby and her boyfriend, Shadow. Which was fun, I miss Diesel. I never see that muscle bound genius anymore. He’s too busy with his weightlifting. But we had a good time. He’s so funny and doesn’t take any shit off of me.

Then I had meetings and struggled to stay awake after them to do my prep work. Yep. The weekend went waaay too fast and this week is just as busy as last.