2008-04-05 - 2:22 p.m.
A REAL job that I probably won't get, so why am I bitching about it already?

Within three minutes yesterday, I got two phone calls. One from the community center that has hired me as one third of its summer staff for the middle school camp and one from the secretary at the local Catholic high school. I have an interview with them for an English teaching job (a REAL job) Monday.

This raises all sorts of interesting questions and doubts and fears. I never thought I wanted to teach in a private school. I feel like it would be a little like giving up on the public school system, which while flawed, is something entirely redeemable.

Plus, censorship is not something I’m a fan of. Particularly not of books. Catholics have a wee bit of a tendency to censor.

Thirdly, while I try to be a good Catholic and a good person, I’m not the most devote Catholic ever. I go to church every Sunday, I pray, I try not to commit sins, but I haven’t been to confession in over a year. I haven’t been to stations of the cross or adoration or a weekday mass ever. I have serious guilt issues as it is, and I’m thinking that if I was a teacher in a Catholic school, going to mass everyday, making my curriculum Christ centered, I would feel guilty for not being better all the time.

The pressure to be a perfect Catholic would be enormous. I’ve always been pretty private about my faith and about talking about God. It’s just not something I do. I hate preaching. It’s kind of part of the job description there, though. Integrating my private, religious life with my job is something I’m not so sure I want to do. Variety is the spice of life and there is very little spice in a Catholic school. That makes me a terrible Christian, but it’s the truth. I like having that separation.

And, to be entirely honest (maybe too honest), while I don’t think I want to get married, I’m pretty certain I want to have sex. Thus far, it’s been a choice not to have sex. I just haven’t found anyone that I’ve wanted to have sex with. It wasn’t and isn’t something I’m just going to do just because I don’t want to die a virgin. While I should be resolved to waiting for marriage, because it will be a mortal sin for me to having premarital sex with the full knowledge that what I’m doing is a sin, I don’t know that I will get married. And if I never get married, the Church says I never get to have sex. But I wanna! Is having sex worth spending eternity in hell? No, probably not, but the God I believe in doesn’t send people to hell for making whoopee. At least I hope not. But how I can preach abstinence and Catholic values when I am committing a mortal sin? Even if I confess (that would make for an awkward confession, I’d have to confess to my principle!), I would probably still feel guilty knowing that I did what I did with the full knowledge that I was sinning AND being a hypocrite. Yikes.

Oh, we Catholics are so silly. I probably won’t even get the job and even if I do, I can still turn it down.