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2009-03-20 - 12:25 p.m.
Of course, I had to get through parent/teacher conferences in order to earn my break, but they went pretty well. There were only two parents uncharmed by my tiny cuteness mixed copiously with "I just want your kid to succeed" sincerity. One was a woman who will never, ever be happy with her son, who is a funny, intelligent boy with a 98% in my class. She seemed very unhappy. The other is a mother with far too much on her plate with her particular miscreant of a kid. It's hard to be sucked in by the charm I attempt to brainwash parents with when you're just concerned about your kid not being the biggest rear end on the planet (still not cussing, at least not during the week. When I drink on the weekends, it's another story). I felt like absolute crap yesterday for no apparent reason. My beau of the moment, GI Joe, called just to check in because he knew I wasn't feeling so hot. How sweet. Blech. GI Joe confuses me. I don't think he knows how to act around me. He'll send me gifts (four so far) and thoughtful messages, but he just cannot seem to connect in person. It's strange. I think there's a fair amount of intimidation going on. I'm just used to being around people who I think of as my intellectual equals (my, how conceited I am!). GI Joe doesn't think he's there. Odd. Ah well. Hopefully he'll figure out to act around me. This hugging goodbye at the end of dates crap has got to stop. Until then, he's in Texas and I'm heading to Vegas next Monday. No doubt a drunken replay of my sister's bachelorette party will take place. Well, let's start at the beginning of that, shall we? The shower - the all consuming bane of my existence. I was SOOOO nervous. I spent hours shopping with the matron of honor friday night, stayed up to midnight baking penis shaped cakes, then got up at 6:30 to continue the preparations. Things threatened to fall apart several times, but my cousin, the other bridesmaids and I managed to get everything set up and put together in time for the guests for the first shower, which was the nice, clean, appropriate shower. My sister enjoyed herself, we all went out to dinner, my aunts threw a fit when I payed for everyone's dinners, then we set up for the bachelorette party. My sister arrived and we decked her out in a veil with little penis decals all over it, a sash and of course, a shirt with jolly ranchers pinned to it. For the boys at the bar to suck off, of course! That one was not my idea, but it earned my sister 50 bucks! And by the time we got to the bar, I was drunk enough that I was pretty comfortable with going up to random guys and exhorting them to "suck some candy off my sister!". My drunken state was entirely Spice's fault. We played a game first off at the party that involved rolling dice to decide who drank. Every time "bride's choice" came up, guess who drank a shot of whiskey? That would be me. Three shots of whiskey (which I took like champ, no chasers here! [what a ridiculous thing to be proud of]) and I was GONE. When I drink, I think I've mentioned I get a little crazy. It's beyond me to sit still, like I've taken crank rather than alcohol. So I danced all over the hotel room before shimmying my way downtown. Where I promptly found a cute boy to dance with/feel up. My goodness, did he have nice muscles! He thought I had a pretty hot bod as well, apparently, because his hands didn't exactly stay in his pockets either. After a brief make out session, I gave him my number and sent him packing. He hasn't called, thank goodness. Can you imagine if I ever actually saw any of these boys I so brazenly and drunkenly make out with at bars? They would be shocked at the demure little schoolteacher I really am. I danced with a few more boys, handed out a few more numbers, spoke in an unexplained Irish accent for a while, and then sobered up enough to realize I didn't really like men using their teeth on my sister and kept a pretty close eye on her after that. I was massively hungover when I awoke to my fake penis, empty liquor bottle and condom wrapper filled suite the next morning. I cleaned up for about an hour, while trying not to yak, stumbling across interesting things the entire time. For instance, two massive condom wrapped cucumbers that I suddenly remembered dueling my cousin with. I stabbed her quite hard in the stomach with it, as I recall. Good grief, I can hardly believe I participated in such debauchery. And yet the fact remains that I purchased most of the disgusting stuff employed at that particular party. Eventually, the whole mess was cleaned up, I went to church and breakfast with my mom, sister, cousin and brother in law to be and then went home to sleep off my nausea. Spice apparently loved it all, so I was a success. Thank goodness that only has to happen once.
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