2009-07-12 - 10:26 a.m.
It's sad. I'm sad. I shouldn't have to justify it

There are some people who don't understand why others would want to put personal things out there on the interwebs. My parents, for instance, have wondered numerous times in my presence why people do it. I kind of smirk when they do this and nod my head vigorously if they ask for my agreement. I think there are lots of reasons to blog or keep an internet journal. For one, I'm going to be recording my thoughts anyway, why not have it saved to a server other than my own computer? And two, I know that if I publish my thoughts, rants, raves and whatever else I may spew out there, there are certain people who will read it and commiserate. Maybe they'll leave a funny or thoughtful comment. Whatever the case is, I like doing it and will continue to do it as long as I continue to enjoy it.

That being said, I'm on vacation - or away my from my home at least. I said I probably wouldn't update til the end of the month. But things change and life is an uncertain bitch. Some of you might remember the guy I lived with while I was student teaching - Butterscotch. He was my friend J's cousin. Well, his actual name was John and he died of injuries received in a 4 wheeler accident on Thursday. 26 years old.

I hadn't seen John since J's wedding. We did the polka. While it had been a long time since we'd seen each other, John was my friend. We would have picked things up easily if we had managed to see each other again. J and I did try to see him last time I was in Collegetown, but he wasn't home. Which sucked at the time and really, really sucks now.

John was in a coma for a few days before he died, but for some reason it still really shocked me when J's mom called and said that he'd passed. I was with J at her house at the time and her mother said "Oh, I'm glad Ninja is there with you". I was probably the most worthless person to have been there. I just sat there. We just sat there. Then I had to leave about an hour after we found out. I texted my sister and asked her if she would call and tell my parents since I was on my way to have dinner with them. I knew I would start bawling if I had to tell them. So, I was relieved when I walked into my grandma's house and my mom was all normal and "You look nice today, Ninja. Orange is a good color on you". I went to say hi to G-ma and she says "Hi, honey. I'm sorry about your friend".

I was reaching for her hand when she said that and I just froze - hand extended out and everything. Then my dad stood up and gave me a hug and I started crying. I got myself together pretty quickly, but it's been like that since then. I'm fine as long as I'm not talking about it, but as soon as I have to tell somebody or someone tells me they're sorry, I just start weeping. And it's weird - I feel like I have to explain why I'm so upset. "It's just so sad", "he was such a good guy", etc. I'm telling them my friend just died and I feel like I should apologize for crying. Emotions are strange.

I was with Libby's family this weekend. I really just wanted to be at home, but it was probably good to be with other people. I told Libby about John, so that she wouldn't think it was weird that I was acting like a zombie, but not her family. I like her parents a lot and they would have been wonderful about it, but I just didn't think I could handle her mother, who is the most empathetic, caring woman in the world, being so sweet about it. I would have really lost it and then everyone would have been weird around me the rest of the weekend.

I have Einstein's wedding shower today. I had to tell her yesterday about it because I asked to stay at her house tonight since the funeral is tomorrow in this neck of the woods. I hope that won't make things weird at the shower for her or for J and I. Oh, well. I guess we'll see.

I don't even know what more to say at this point. Maybe I'll be ready to process more once the funeral is over. I have to go buy a dress for it soon. God, I hate shopping and shopping for this is just rotten.

You know, he really was a great guy. I'm not just saying that because I'm grieving. John was a generous, funny, kind individual and people really miss him.