2009-07-29 - 9:18 p.m.
And now I'm back, from outer space

So, where do I even begin?

First, I suppose I should thanks all those who offered hugs, thoughts and prayers to me after John died. I truly appreciate it. Thank you!

His funeral was . . . for a lack of a better word, interesting. The priest was a very good friend of John's and I thought maybe that would mean he would be a little more emotionally involved. But no, he was really pretty cold about the whole thing and the homily during the mass as an opportunity to say "shame on you" to the Catholics attending for not keeping their souls in better order. He was using John as an example, since as John's priest and good friend, he knew when John had made his last confession. I'm not joking, Father actually said "Shame on you". Way to comfort the grieving, Padre.

The rest of the service was wonderful, though. It truly was a celebration of his life, the way funerals are supposed to be. His parents did a wonderful job. There was even a huge polka party at John's favorite bar in his honor the night after the funeral. I actually held myself together really well I thought. It is certainly a horrible feeling to go to a funeral for a friend alone. It makes you feel old and even more sad and well, alone. J was there, of course, but as John's cousin she was with her family. She sang "Ave Maria" after some of the eulogies. I always forget what a fantastic singer that girl is. She's not a person who would ever, ever brag on her own accomplishments to the point where I hardly ever hear her sing.

Anyway, even though the woman sitting next to me was just weeping the entire time, I managed not to cry until the very end. I don't know, just watching his parents walk by after his casket and seeing how absolutely heartbroken they were, but also how brave and composed they were being for everyone else's sake - God, it just really got to me.

I did feel better, though, after everything. Saying hi to his brothers and parents and cousins, getting that closure of knowing that John was already in heaven while we were all still crying about our own pain, etc. I got to see J several more times when I was home and the last time we managed to talk about him and laugh about how he used to blame stuff I did on her and how he used to call everyone his favorite. "Oh, Ninjy," he would say to me when I amused him, "You're my favorite."

Well, I suppose that's all I really have time to say tonight. I need to get ready for softball practice in the morning. Oh, dear God, how I DO NOT want to coach again this year! But the contract has been signed and I am the only coach available for practice tomorrow, so I'm going damn it. 12 days until I officially report for work. I'm considering my summer over on August 3rd, though, since that's when softball camp and school registration begins. I have to "volunteer" for two 4 hour shifts during registration. That is some kind of bullshit.

Anyway, I'm back from my trip home. Next time I'll tell you all about how schwasted I got at Einstein's bachelorette, how unschwasted I was at her wedding and how I spent my time with my parents. It was a really great month (barring John's tragedy) and I'm almost sorry to be back.

My anxiety about work/softball is rising directly in proportion to how my motivation to prepare for them is decreasing. How lovely.