2009-08-07 - 9:37 a.m.
Sick to my stomach and crying

I don’t know what my deal is – I am in quite the melancholy mood this morning. Maybe it’s because it’s the first day this week where I haven’t had to get up and go to softball practice. Having a purpose in life is great, but all week I was mourning my summer mornings where I got up and did whatever the hell I wanted. Le sigh.

I am missing J with a fierceness that is surprising. I guess I just realized this summer when I got to hang out with her so frequently that J is one of my best friends. She’s just an amazing person and I can’t believe that I’m probably never going to live in the same town as her again. Stupid State Trooper husband. She’s confident, she’s together, she has her life in line. She’s got her dream – she’ll have her baby in October and get to be a stay-at-home mom (just because her dream is my nightmare doesn’t mean that I can’t be envious of her fulfillment of said dream). And she’ll be a spectacular mother because she won’t be overbearing, she won’t be overprotective and she’ll let that kid be whoever he wants to be (yep, the baby’s a boy.). She’ll teach him to be proud of his strengths and to look for the strengths of others instead of their weaknesses.

And I’m blathering on in a completely boring fashion because I really just miss my friend and wish that I was with her. Or that I lived close to her. I don’t regret moving away, but I wonder if I moved just for the sake of moving. My sister told me all throughout college “Either you leave your friends or get left behind” and coupled with knowledge of the family curse of always having our friends move away, I decided to be a leaver this time, instead of getting left. Now all I want to do is move back. Well, not all I want to do, because I do have a life here that I enjoy, but a big part of me does really want to go back. There’s something missing that I haven’t found a replacement for yet out here.

I have another theory about why I miss J so profoundly currently – she was John’s cousin and she lived with him when I did. For whatever reason, I’m feeling his loss a lot this past week. My eyes are tearing up now for goodness sake. RD said the other day that I’ve been acting out of it and I swear I’m behaving normally, but apparently not. I have no idea how John’s girlfriend or his family is handling things, if I’m still this emotional a month later. Again, I feel that weird sense of guilt, like I shouldn’t be this torn up because I didn’t even know John that well. Sure, I lived with the dude and spent a ton of time with him, but we only met a year and a half ago and I spent the last year 500 miles away from him. I don’t know – it’s stupid. Maybe I’m missing all my friends so badly because I don’t get to spend time with them anymore and some part of me is terrified that something horrible will happen to them like it happened to John and I’m so far away. I just really miss John this morning. I want to call my mom or Libby or J, but I don't trust my voice.

It’s awfully early to be this emotional and freaked out. Maybe I’m hormonal. Whatever it is, I’ve been bawling for an hour now and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop any time soon. Ugh. I feel awful. I want someone to take me to a movie and then out for pie. But all my friends are far away. And I’m getting more dramatic by the minute, so I will take my excess emotions and go do . . . something. Ugh.