2009-10-21 - 6:12 p.m.
I didn't even work out today. Yech.

I was walking by the finance classroom today and heard this exchange -

Teacher: And that's what our budget looks like.
Student I Had Last Year and Loved: Oh my God! Being an adult sucks!

Oh yes, dear, it certainly does. There are good things, too, of course, but man, what I wouldn't give to be a sophomore in college again.

I'm actually giving serious thought to what I'm doing about going back to school right now. To be frank, it's stressing me out. When I looked in the mirror after spending my entire shower freaking myself out (I washed my hair twice and then nearly a third time before I realized I was not paying any attention at all to what I was doing), I remembered spending a lot of time doing just that in college - stressing and freaking. My existence is much less stressful outside of academia.

Those stupid "what am I going to do with my life?!" thoughts just wouldn't go away. No matter how many times I told myself, in a tone brooking no argument, that I am doing what I want to do with my life, the argument always came back. You need a master's degree. You have no concrete goals right now. You're not doing anything that special or important. Are you the best teacher ever? Are you even the best teacher at your school? Do kids learn ANYTHING from you? My God, you're probably not even that good of a teacher! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

And so on, until I was an absolute wreck at work that day. I knew starting to study for the GRE was opening a can of worms.

I do want a master's degree, though, and have calmed considerably since Monday. My major dilemma is whether I want to go back to school full time or attempt to teach and get that stupid degree. My issues there are many. First of all, I am skeptical of the rigor involved with getting an online degree, which is the accepted way of teaching and getting educated at the same time (at least at my school). Second, the only online degrees available in my fields are education degrees. I absolutely abhor education classes and have always said I would get my master's degree(s) in English.

I have to go to school full time to receive funding for school. I have to quit my job to go to school full time. Do I really want to quit my job, even if I will be returning to the teaching field in a few years?

I have no idea what I want to do about this problem, though I will swing wildly from being absolute committed to going to certain university to being resigning myself to sucking it up and teaching and getting an online education degree at the same time.

I do love my job, no matter how I bitch about it in here. Those kids frustrate the shit out of me and yet I happily go back for more everyday, because they also do really amazing things and say funny things and do good things.

The things I don't enjoy about school (bitching parents, helicopter parents, politics, endless needless paperwork, etc) are probably things that will eventually drive me from the profession, though I am pretty good about just keeping my head down and slugging through. I am young, though, and don't have years and years of those trivial bullshit things under my belt.

Our current uproar in the district is the move to change the high school schedule from the block schedule with 8 classes every 2 days to a modified schedule with 5 classes that meet every day. The uproar is vast and great and I am damn sick of it. It's been going on since the 2nd week of school and I wish we'd get over it already.

The topic reared its ugly head at lunch in the teacher's lounge, as per usual, today. Whenever the topic comes up, I get suspiciously silent. Once again, our department chair asks, as she has every other freaking time we've talked about the topic, which of us are on board and which of us are against it. The anti people immediately starting dogging on the new system. George, another English teacher, pipes up that he's "got his feet in the water, but is still sitting on the boat". There's more bitching from the anti people and then Kurt boldly jumps in and proclaims himself "on board".

I admire his guts and stay quiet. Kurt is a 20 year vet of the biz and a guy everybody likes. He's kind of like my "work father". He never patronizes me, as some others tend to me, respects me as a professional, teases me about my sports team preferences and gives great advice.

It's not til the lunch bell rings and I'm exiting the room as they anti's are still raging on that I grin in a smart ass way at Kurt over my shoulder. I'm nearly out the door when I hear him yell "And Ninja's on board, too!".

I pause in the frame, then announce "It's true!". And keep walking. Kurt and Converse (about 10 years older than me, great woman who's definitely a work friend) catch up to me.

"Sorry, Ninja," Kurt says, "You probably wanted to stay out of it, but I just had to drag you in."

"Yeah, you can't make him go it alone," says Converse.

"Well, fine." I managed not to huff when I said it. "Thanks for taking me under the bus with you, Kurt."

This issue is just so divisive. I didn't really want to get caught up in the hair-pulling mess that will soon come, but I guess I've been declared as having taken a side. So I'll stand my ground on thinking the new system is not such a horrible idea, I guess. Oh, it's bound to get so ugly - I can't believe how strongly people feel about it. I do hope we go to the new system, I just wasn't ready to stake my relationships with a few of my more hot-headed coworkers on it. I am now, though, apparently.

We'll see what comes of it. I just really can't stand the thought of debating an issue at every given opportunity for the next year and then seeing it get shot down by the board/community like last year with the four day week.

In other news, I have a shit ton to do tonight and have yet to do any of it. I'm going back to my home state for J's baby shower this weekend. RD's been out of town all week and I wanted to have the house really nice for her when she gets back this Sunday. So I need to pack and clean AND get all my school work done before then. And I need to study for the GRE. Right. The way the snow has been coming down all day has really zapped my energy. Stupid cold wet stuff.